Slow Motion

It’s interesting to look back at these past 4 months.  It seems like everything is moving in slow motion but really the past 4 months have passed by so quickly.  I have done 8 chemo infusions.  I have 4 more to go.  You really have no clue how bad I want this to be all over. I remember the first 2 rounds of chemo I was still figuring out how I would respond to each treatment. And thinking, shit I have 5 more months of this.   I was still figuring how to get in the swing of things. I remember seeing the green in the trees, smelling the summer air and hoping that this journey would go by fast.  Now, my head is down and I just go.  I have 4 months done and 2 more to go.  I’m tired of this. All of this.  I don’t even want to see what each day brings.  I just keep pressing the fast forward button to 2012.  And this is probably the worst thing I can do to myself.  I really should focus on each day but I can’t. I should be looking at all the positives in this journey like I did in the beginning but I can’t seem to see it right now.  I deserve to feel this way right?  I’ve been positive, full of energy and fight.  But I think it’s fair to have a shitty attitude… just for a little bit, at least. I hate looking at myself in the mirror.  I don’t recognize myself. I want my bangs back. I want my long eyelashes back.  I have a love /hate relationship with my wigs and have been opting to wear hats more.  I am losing color in my face.  I look sick. And I hate chemo and cancer right now. 

These past few weeks have brought on so much frustration that I didn’t even know how to process.  Instead, I let it boil up inside of me.  I acted ways that I wish I could erase, I snapped at people, I was short and very irritable.   But I didn’t mean to act that way.  I don’t know how to process any of my emotions any more because I am so tired of it.  So tired of thinking and trying to cope with it all. I had a break down a few days back.  Tears filled my eyes, anxiety filled my chest, and hopelessness filled my head.  It was my lowest moment for sure.  I have been so “hard” on the outside, smiling, laughing, and living but in reality the last few weeks I have been a complete mess inside.  How am I going to get through these next 2 months?  How am I going to cope? How am I going to listen to my body? Is this what your everyday person deals with?  Is this what every cancer patient goes through at some point? It really blows! But I realized I didn’t have the answers to any of these questions and I have to find some new outlets.  Music has always been a medium for me, to connect and feel and express what’s going on inside of me. And that’s all I have been focusing on the past few weeks.  Because music puts my emotions and feelings into words.  Words that I can’t express right now.  So grateful for music.

A few days after my break down, I was reminded of all the love that is out there for me.  My sisters and good friends organized an amazing fundraiser on behalf of myself and the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Hearing words of “you are truly an inspiration”, “you are a rock star”, “you are amazing” was what I needed to hear.  Seeing old friends from grade school and high school is what I needed to see. Reliving some of the old days with my friends was what I needed to feel. My family, their friends and all of their support to me and my family is truly amazing.  We are so lucky to have each other in our lives. I have to remind myself it’s ok to feel down.  Because at the end of the day, I know I will always have someone to pick me up.  So grateful for all of you who lend me your guiding hand. Much love and gratitude. And I hope one day I can pay it back.

untitled

It’s been awhile since I shared my thoughts.  The past few weeks have been complicated.  Filled with distractions that I wish I could write about but can’t. Filled with ups and downs, excitement, let down, confusion, understanding. And today has been filled with reflection.  It’s been 10 years since the Twin Towers were attacked.  I was 21 and at UIC for our student athletic trainer meeting we had in the morning.  I remember Zeev saying, the twin towers were just attacked.  Confused, I followed him to see what he was seeing on the computer.  I felt scared, worried.  My sister!  I tried calling right away to see if my sister was safe.  I called Rachel who was in DC to see if she was safe.  I was scared.  I was scared to be an Arab-American.  As weeks went by we learned about heroes.  We learned about families that lost their loved one is such a tragic way.  I would never know how that would feel. But these past years have been filled with lots. From falling in love to broken hearts, from rehabbing injuries and connecting with athletes to becoming the athletic trainer I am now, to losing my father, to becoming a god mother and an aunt, to learning I have cancer and to becoming a cancer survivor.  But yet this world continues to be in war.  And nothing seems to change.  And I ask myself what have I done the past 10 years to be a better person and what have I done to make a difference.  Is it normal to feel like I’ve been through so much already?  Because sometimes I do.  But the reality is that I am lucky to be here today and I really haven’t been through much.  Nothing could ever compare to what the families of 9/11 have gone through or are going through till this day. Never will I know that feeling.  But all I want to do is be a better a person. To carry on the true meaning of life of being kind to others and living life to the fullest.  Because it can easily be taken away. I hope that you will smile to a stranger one day, say thank you to the person holding the elevator door for you, look at your surroundings and see the beautiful and not the ugly, imagine the clouds when driving down Lake Shore Drive are mountains (yes, I do that often), and live life.  We are lucky to be here today.

I’ve been asked a lot, “how are you doing?” or “how are you feeling?” To be honest, I feel pretty good.  Well, for the most part.  Yes, I am drained of all life the day of chemo but I slowly climb back the next few days and bounce back high, just right before I have to plummet to the bottom again.  I am going through the motions and I now have a sense, once again, of what this part of the chapter is like and what to expect.  But I can never expect the emotions. As I have never expected these emotions that have surfaced throughout the past 10 years.