untitled

It’s been awhile since I shared my thoughts.  The past few weeks have been complicated.  Filled with distractions that I wish I could write about but can’t. Filled with ups and downs, excitement, let down, confusion, understanding. And today has been filled with reflection.  It’s been 10 years since the Twin Towers were attacked.  I was 21 and at UIC for our student athletic trainer meeting we had in the morning.  I remember Zeev saying, the twin towers were just attacked.  Confused, I followed him to see what he was seeing on the computer.  I felt scared, worried.  My sister!  I tried calling right away to see if my sister was safe.  I called Rachel who was in DC to see if she was safe.  I was scared.  I was scared to be an Arab-American.  As weeks went by we learned about heroes.  We learned about families that lost their loved one is such a tragic way.  I would never know how that would feel. But these past years have been filled with lots. From falling in love to broken hearts, from rehabbing injuries and connecting with athletes to becoming the athletic trainer I am now, to losing my father, to becoming a god mother and an aunt, to learning I have cancer and to becoming a cancer survivor.  But yet this world continues to be in war.  And nothing seems to change.  And I ask myself what have I done the past 10 years to be a better person and what have I done to make a difference.  Is it normal to feel like I’ve been through so much already?  Because sometimes I do.  But the reality is that I am lucky to be here today and I really haven’t been through much.  Nothing could ever compare to what the families of 9/11 have gone through or are going through till this day. Never will I know that feeling.  But all I want to do is be a better a person. To carry on the true meaning of life of being kind to others and living life to the fullest.  Because it can easily be taken away. I hope that you will smile to a stranger one day, say thank you to the person holding the elevator door for you, look at your surroundings and see the beautiful and not the ugly, imagine the clouds when driving down Lake Shore Drive are mountains (yes, I do that often), and live life.  We are lucky to be here today.

I’ve been asked a lot, “how are you doing?” or “how are you feeling?” To be honest, I feel pretty good.  Well, for the most part.  Yes, I am drained of all life the day of chemo but I slowly climb back the next few days and bounce back high, just right before I have to plummet to the bottom again.  I am going through the motions and I now have a sense, once again, of what this part of the chapter is like and what to expect.  But I can never expect the emotions. As I have never expected these emotions that have surfaced throughout the past 10 years.