Dear Cancer, Why do you do the things you do?

Ten down, two more to go.  What have I learned the past few weeks? Well, quite a bit. I have seen so many commercials about cancer and cancer awareness.  I have seen sitcoms joking about cancer. When you hear the word cancer, what's the first thing you think of?  "Damn, you are going to die" or "Damn, that sucks, now lets beat it!" Yes, cancer kills. Yes, it is a bitch. And yes I am lucky that I got the best cancer to have because of the outcomes and promising success rate. But I cant help the fact that I get mad about some of these negative connotations associated with cancer. It's not always like what you see on TV or hear about so and so. Cancer doesn't discriminate.  It can happen to any of us.  We can choose to fight and be positive or we can choose to let it take over our lives.  We can listen to our bodies and make sure our doctors are listening to what we are saying. Every cancer is different, every person is different, and every person responds to their treatment differently. And that does affect the mind and spirit. No doubt, I  have had my ups and downs. But the one thing that has kept me strong and going is that I surround myself with positive and supportive people. I am a member of this new cancer world, my family and friends are part of this cancer world as caregivers and supporters. I have coworkers, friends, family that are currently fighting, waiting for that one day to hear "You are cancer free".  One of my coworkers had a scare last week.  Her doctors thought they saw cancer activity on her liver.  She is a breast cancer survivor.  All week, her world was turned upside down.  And then she hears "it's not cancer". My friend's nodule in his lung grew 1mm. 1 freaking mm!  Now they are discussing how much chemo he should get.  This is the third time down that road for him. Another coworker, had a "weird biopsy".  And is still going through this wait and see game.  And finally, a friend has her BIG SCAN tomorrow.  I am praying for good news because I really hate cancer.

Earlier this month, we lost Steve Jobs.  Earlier this week we learned Guiliana Rancic has early stages of breast cancer.  She got an early mammogram because her fertility doctor asked her to.  She was kicking and screaming because she felt she didn't need it. So I flash back. About 2 years ago I was at an Imerman Angels benefit.  I vividly remembering a survivor speak out and saying she had Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Not knowing what kind of cancer that was I researched it later that week. And a year ago I was going about doing my thing, not knowing cancer had invaded my body.  I traveled, went to New York and Vegas living life.  I was telling my coworker "Suck it Cancer" as she ran past me in the Chicago Marathon last year. And I had cancer! It's crazy to me.  But then things started to change with my body and I noticed.  And I kept telling my doctor my symptoms.  I was reminded that I had said jokingly that I had cancer when I started to notice all the red bumps on my shin.  Did I think that was really going to happen?!  Absolutely not.  Like I said this disease does not discriminate.  It can happen to any of us anytime.  And that's why it's so important to get physicals and see your doctor on a regular basis.   I am lucky that I am in the healthcare profession and act as an advocate for many athletes so I know what to look for, but one thing people in my profession forget to do is take care of their own aches and pains.   And if I had never said to my doctor can you check for Rheumatoid Arthritis, I don't know how long it would have been till I found out that I had cancer.  By me saying, "Listen, my body doesn't feel right, can you just check for RA", we found elevated numbers in my blood which then I was referred to a specialist who had found my cancer.  It scares me sometimes.  What if I wasn't as persistent, where would I be now?  But I was persistent.  And it's 5 months later and I am almost done!  My round about point to this post is that Cancer is scary.  But it doesn't have to be.  Because we need to educate, be proactive, see your doctor on a regular basis, donate to cancer research and start associating cancer with a positive. Cancer has taught me several things and yes it has taken parts of my life that I once had.  But now I look forward to starting a new life with of all these lessons I have learned.  And I can't wait to live the life I WANT with the ENERGY that I once had and all the KNOWLEDGE that I have now gained.

Here are some videos of chemo day...See it's not that scary!

And....

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=883279024791&set=vb.20002253&type=2&theater

50/50

I have had this post brewing in my head for the past week and I am now just getting to it.  I will make an attempt here to review the flick 50/50, you know, the one with Seth Rogen and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  I will try not to spoil anything for those who have not seen this movie.  But if you haven’t seen it yet, you better see it this weekend!

This movie is based on a true story.  As a young adult that has entered the cancer world, unwanted, I connected to this movie on so many different levels.  Before the movie even started I was in the theater with cancer survivors, fighters and supporters.  I was lucky to get a free advance screening ticket and was accompanied by my friend Deb.  Johnny Imerman spoke briefly as well as others from LLS.  The energy was amazing. 

The moment Joseph’s character gets diagnosed everything around him is muted.  The way the doctor spoke of his diagnosis was nothing like that for me. Gratitude point #1: so lucky to have Northwestern as my medical provider. Dr. Gordon, Betsey, Beth, Celia and Dr. Hseih, you are all amazing! 

He then walks down the hallways and sees only sick people. Older people. Sadness.  I vividly remember walking through the chemo side of the 21^st floor and seeing older sick people.  I felt there was no life anywhere.  I told myself that whenever I would go to chemo, I would smile and bring energy.  I always felt I was the youngest one in the waiting area.  People looking at me and saying “she’s too young”…at least that was what played in repeat in my head, me thinking that people were saying such things.

As he told friends and family, everyone had different reactions.  This is very true.  I have learned a lot about others and how they deal with news of this magnitude.  I have learned a lot about myself.  I have seen the true colors of people.  I have been touched by the amount of support and love.  I have reflected and closed a few chapters that were lingering in my life.  I have said take care to people I know I will no longer talk to and they will no longer be in my life. I have opened new doors and started new chapters. I’m entering a new journey.  A rebirth. But if I was on the other side and if my best friend told me she had cancer, I really don’t know how I would react.  It’s hard.  It’s hard to even think that would happen to her.  And I would never want any of my friends to go through what I have gone through.  

He “ignores” his mom.  Now, I wouldn’t say I ignore my mom but it’s a tricky little thing.  He (and I) have been independent for years.  He didn’t rely too heavily on his mom.  He said he would get annoyed.  And yes, I got annoyed.  But what it comes down to is that a mom will be a mom.  She will love you, worry about you, care for you, support you, take away all the pain and hurt in the world away if she could.  And I couldn’t ask for anything more.  My mom has been superwomen to me throughout this journey.  She makes my heart smile even when my face can’t seem to smile. Gratitude and love to you mom!

He has a breakdown.  This part gets me.  Because I had a breakdown a few weeks prior to seeing the movie. It’s so hard to explain all the emotions but you do get sick of being sick!  Then the day of his surgery…well, his inner child surfaces that we all have inside of us.  We need our mommy and daddy. We need their support.  He tells his parents he loves them.  I did cry hard at this part because I so wanted to see my dad.  I miss him.  I wanted to tell him that I’m doing good and that mom was taking such good care of me just as she did for him. 

I will no longer go into the movie because I want you to see it!  And none of my friends have used my cancer to get them some play, if you know what I mean.  But I do want you to know I am feeling better mentally.  I have stayed busy which is a distraction.  But I have been able to do things I enjoy and spend time with friends and family.  Just a few medical updates as well. I had my pulmonary function test last week.  My lung health is looking good!  The Bleomycin (one of the chemo drugs) has not caused damage to my lungs and it’s breathing capacity.  I had my CT scan as well of my chest.  I know my PET scan was clear so I knew my cancer was gone, but I was still nervous.  I didn’t want something crazy popping up.  Dr. Gordon called me and I have a clean scan!  That’s 2 clean scans within 2 months.  I am almost done!  Chemo #9 awaits me.  Three more to go! I’ll keep on fighting the good fight!