50/50

I have had this post brewing in my head for the past week and I am now just getting to it.  I will make an attempt here to review the flick 50/50, you know, the one with Seth Rogen and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  I will try not to spoil anything for those who have not seen this movie.  But if you haven’t seen it yet, you better see it this weekend!

This movie is based on a true story.  As a young adult that has entered the cancer world, unwanted, I connected to this movie on so many different levels.  Before the movie even started I was in the theater with cancer survivors, fighters and supporters.  I was lucky to get a free advance screening ticket and was accompanied by my friend Deb.  Johnny Imerman spoke briefly as well as others from LLS.  The energy was amazing. 

The moment Joseph’s character gets diagnosed everything around him is muted.  The way the doctor spoke of his diagnosis was nothing like that for me. Gratitude point #1: so lucky to have Northwestern as my medical provider. Dr. Gordon, Betsey, Beth, Celia and Dr. Hseih, you are all amazing! 

He then walks down the hallways and sees only sick people. Older people. Sadness.  I vividly remember walking through the chemo side of the 21^st floor and seeing older sick people.  I felt there was no life anywhere.  I told myself that whenever I would go to chemo, I would smile and bring energy.  I always felt I was the youngest one in the waiting area.  People looking at me and saying “she’s too young”…at least that was what played in repeat in my head, me thinking that people were saying such things.

As he told friends and family, everyone had different reactions.  This is very true.  I have learned a lot about others and how they deal with news of this magnitude.  I have learned a lot about myself.  I have seen the true colors of people.  I have been touched by the amount of support and love.  I have reflected and closed a few chapters that were lingering in my life.  I have said take care to people I know I will no longer talk to and they will no longer be in my life. I have opened new doors and started new chapters. I’m entering a new journey.  A rebirth. But if I was on the other side and if my best friend told me she had cancer, I really don’t know how I would react.  It’s hard.  It’s hard to even think that would happen to her.  And I would never want any of my friends to go through what I have gone through.  

He “ignores” his mom.  Now, I wouldn’t say I ignore my mom but it’s a tricky little thing.  He (and I) have been independent for years.  He didn’t rely too heavily on his mom.  He said he would get annoyed.  And yes, I got annoyed.  But what it comes down to is that a mom will be a mom.  She will love you, worry about you, care for you, support you, take away all the pain and hurt in the world away if she could.  And I couldn’t ask for anything more.  My mom has been superwomen to me throughout this journey.  She makes my heart smile even when my face can’t seem to smile. Gratitude and love to you mom!

He has a breakdown.  This part gets me.  Because I had a breakdown a few weeks prior to seeing the movie. It’s so hard to explain all the emotions but you do get sick of being sick!  Then the day of his surgery…well, his inner child surfaces that we all have inside of us.  We need our mommy and daddy. We need their support.  He tells his parents he loves them.  I did cry hard at this part because I so wanted to see my dad.  I miss him.  I wanted to tell him that I’m doing good and that mom was taking such good care of me just as she did for him. 

I will no longer go into the movie because I want you to see it!  And none of my friends have used my cancer to get them some play, if you know what I mean.  But I do want you to know I am feeling better mentally.  I have stayed busy which is a distraction.  But I have been able to do things I enjoy and spend time with friends and family.  Just a few medical updates as well. I had my pulmonary function test last week.  My lung health is looking good!  The Bleomycin (one of the chemo drugs) has not caused damage to my lungs and it’s breathing capacity.  I had my CT scan as well of my chest.  I know my PET scan was clear so I knew my cancer was gone, but I was still nervous.  I didn’t want something crazy popping up.  Dr. Gordon called me and I have a clean scan!  That’s 2 clean scans within 2 months.  I am almost done!  Chemo #9 awaits me.  Three more to go! I’ll keep on fighting the good fight!