The past few days I have felt my world has come crashing down on me. I know it’s been awhile since I have blogged but to be honest I have been living in a dream the past 8 weeks and absorbing the world around me. When 2012 arrived, a surge of emotions hit me. Tears filled my eyes because 2011 was finally over. Cancer was finally over. And just recently, I have seen my future unfold and the possibilities that lie ahead.
The past weeks I have had a hard time believing everything that I had been through. I was shocked when I heard the words you have cancer and didn’t believe it. For the next 6 months thereafter, I didn’t believe I was going through the process of treatment and chemotherapy. For the weeks after my last drop of chemo, I couldn’t believe that I went through the journey of fighting cancer. 2011 was just a disaster to me. I look back at 2011 and around this time, a year ago, my symptoms were beginning. And I had no clue that cancer had invaded my body. All that joint pain and muscle aches. What a difference a year makes. I just can’t believe it.
I had anticipated what the following chapter of survivorship would be like and found that it made me anxious. But now I am in survivorship, I think the grieving process has begun its cycle once again as it did when my father passed away, when I was diagnosed and now, the afterlife of cancer treatment. I’m past denial and shock once again, I think. And perhaps I am at the stage of pain and guilt in this survivorship world. I sometimes feel guilty that I can say I am survivor. I am in pain because of the fears the may lie ahead. And it is not fair of me to think that way. I have not really had the thought of relapse in my head. And for some strange reason, that thought of relapse has occupied my mind most of the past days. I had a conversation with a close friend and she expressed her worries about relapse and I was positive and optimistic that the chances were slim. And yes they are, but why all of a sudden has it occupied my mind. Is it because my fertility will be tested tomorrow? Is it because the financial advisor I met with said life insurance won’t be easy for me to get? Is it because I had a freak out moment this past weekend when I felt a small nodule in my neck? These occurrences have made this dream turn into a reality. What about the thought of dating again and introducing myself all over when I am currently learning the new me? In all reality I haven’t changed but my view on life is different. But I am still sorting out the acceptance of my new image, the scars that lie on my chest that serve as a constant reminder. I know it’s normal to feel this way and it is expected. Because all of this is such a messed up roller coaster of proud moments and happiness to low points of fear and worries. I read many stories of survivorship and relapse and how you shouldn’t live in the life of fear. That life of fear lets cancer win. And I know I won’t let cancer and fears take over because I am too positive of a person, but lets be real, I can have this moment of feeling like, (and I stress LIKE), I am surrendering to the world of cancer (although I am not!). I’m not looking for support by any means. I am just freeing these rapid thoughts in my head so I can move on to the next shining moment I will see and to the happiness that it will bring. I just need to breathe. I need to draw air and expel it from the lungs. I need to recognize and acknowlege these fears and thoughts and let it leave my mind. I am only human. With natural thoughts and real emotions that are alive and awake. I am a real human alive today.
