Ready. Set. Go...

The past few days I have felt my world has come crashing down on me.  I know it’s been awhile since I have blogged but to be honest I have been living in a dream the past 8 weeks and absorbing the world around me. When 2012 arrived, a surge of emotions hit me.  Tears filled my eyes because 2011 was finally over.  Cancer was finally over. And just recently, I have seen my future unfold and the possibilities that lie ahead.

The past weeks I have had a hard time believing everything that I had been through.  I was shocked when I heard the words you have cancer and didn’t believe it.  For the next 6 months thereafter, I didn’t believe I was going through the process of treatment and chemotherapy.  For the weeks after my last drop of chemo, I couldn’t believe that I went through the journey of fighting cancer.  2011 was just a disaster to me. I look back at 2011 and around this time, a year ago, my symptoms were beginning.  And I had no clue that cancer had invaded my body.  All that joint pain and muscle aches. What a difference a year makes.  I just can’t believe it.

I had anticipated what the following chapter of survivorship would be like and found that it made me anxious.  But now I am in survivorship, I think the grieving process has begun its cycle once again as it did when my father passed away, when I was diagnosed and now, the afterlife of cancer treatment.  I’m past denial and shock once again, I think.  And perhaps I am at the stage of pain and guilt in this survivorship world.  I sometimes feel guilty that I can say I am survivor.  I am in pain because of the fears the may lie ahead.  And it is not fair of me to think that way.  I have not really had the thought of relapse in my head.  And for some strange reason, that thought of relapse has occupied my mind most of the past days.  I had a conversation with a close friend and she expressed her worries about relapse and I was positive and optimistic that the chances were slim.  And yes they are, but why all of a sudden has it occupied my mind.  Is it because my fertility will be tested tomorrow?  Is it because the financial advisor I met with said life insurance won’t be easy for me to get?  Is it because I had a freak out moment this past weekend when I felt a small nodule in my neck? These occurrences have made this dream turn into a reality. What about the thought of dating again and introducing myself all over when I am currently learning the new me?  In all reality I haven’t changed but my view on life is different.  But I am still sorting out the acceptance of my new image, the scars that lie on my chest that serve as a constant reminder. I know it’s normal to feel this way and it is expected. Because all of this is such a messed up roller coaster of proud moments and happiness to low points of fear and worries.  I read many stories of survivorship and relapse and how you shouldn’t live in the life of fear.  That life of fear lets cancer win.  And I know I won’t let cancer and fears take over because I am too positive of a person, but lets be real, I can have this moment of feeling like, (and I stress LIKE), I am surrendering to the world of cancer (although I am not!).  I’m not looking for support by any means.  I am just freeing these rapid thoughts in my head so I can move on to the next shining moment I will see and to the happiness that it will bring.  I just need to breathe.  I need to draw air and expel it from the lungs.  I need to recognize and acknowlege these fears and thoughts and let it leave my mind.  I am only human.  With natural thoughts and real emotions that are alive and awake.  I am a real human alive today.