It's been 8 days since my last round of chemo. I am well, but tired. I was lucky to enjoy Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has a whole new meaning. It really is Thanksgiving to me everyday. My bro-in-law opened up a bottle of bubbly at TG dinner and my sister gave a toast. Of course I got teary eyed. It's all still so surreal to me. That I had cancer. That I went through 6 months of chemo. I have been "normal" the past 6 months. Working, living, having fun. But I have been in a fog the past month. Every second was being counted down to that final day of chemo. That was all that occupied my mind. A lot people have asked "ok, so now you are normal right". Well it's doesn't happen. Just. Like. That. Some would say I was never normal (Minos!). But it will take 4-6 weeks for my counts (neutrophils, white blood cells) to bounce back from 0.1 to 8.0 to 11.0 range. I have become anemic because of chemo. My hair should be slowly growing back. I was lucky not to lose all of the hair on my head. It just turned into baby hair. I am actually looking forward to all the fun hairstyles I will rock. And all the tiny victories that lie ahead (thanks Ali). Cancer is not a marathon. It's an ultramarathon. I have many milestones ahead of me.
Before chemo, I made a mixed CD for my medical team at Northwestern. And I titled it Chemolicious. It was a soundtrack of my Chemo and Cancer journey. I love music. It really just makes my day complete. And I love dancing. Dancing in my car, the shower, in my bedroom, at the bars, in my head. Everywhere. And of course I danced at my last chemo. I captured video of the last Adrimyacin, the last Bleomyacin, Vinblastine and Dacarbazine. And I captured the moment the IV machine beeped and when I was officially done. I had so much adrenaline running through me. I was so excited. So happy. I didn't shed any tears. After I was done I walked out to the lobby and I had so much excitement built up in my spirit.But when I went into the lobby, and saw everyone, I felt like I was seeing people with a different set of eyes. I saw all these “sick” people.They seemed to look “sicker” than before.Was it because I have walked out with my blinders on all the time and was just going through the routine? I'm not sure but all I know is that I felt sad.I felt upset to see so many people in the waiting room, waiting for results, infusion, fluids, etc. I was reminded how much I hate cancer and what it does to people and their families.I felt it was unfair to celebrate.My voice and spirit stayed silent. The adrenaline wore off as the side effects kicked in. But I felt so different. Because I knew I was done with chemo. I think things will start sinking in next week. When I don't have to go in for chemo. Maybe I will be more emotional next week. Who knows. I see Dr. Gordon on December 21. The next 2 years will be appointments with him, blood work and CT scans. I hope each visit will bring positive news. I know it will.
It’s been a long and grueling 6 months. Just in case you didn’t know, my scheduled final round of chemo was postponed because of a fever I had a few weeks back which delayed round 11 therefore delaying my final treatment. I was pretty devastated when I was told chemo would be postponed. I have had November 16 stamped in my brain. I was crushed. I didn’t want to have treatment the week of Thanksgiving. I was looking forward to feeling good and savoring every single bite at Thanksgiving dinner. But now I am scheduled for chemo November 21st. Three days before Turkey day. Yes, I am thankful that I will be done. I just hope that my taste buds aren’t too whacked out for dinner.
I have found this part of the journey to be rather difficult. This part meaning the preparation for the final round. Mentally. I anticipate the world of survivorship. Yes I am surviving every day but there is a whole new meaning to this stage of survivorship. Chemo will no longer be in my routine. And my body, my mind and my spirit will be mending. I am aware of what survivorship means to me but I don’t know what it will bring me. Ever since I heard the words ”You have cancer”, I had to let go of “what if’s” and “what’s next” because I had to learn quickly to take each day at time and focus on surviving each day. And not waste energy on trying to rationalize everything and why things were happening or not happening for that matter. I want you to know that I am nervous for what lies ahead, no doubt. Maybe even scared. But I know now that I extremely aware of my feelings, my emotions, my fears, the things that bring me joy and happiness more now than ever. I am aware that I will cry for no reason any given time. I am aware that I will smile while thinking of something or someone that made me happy. There is no guide on how to survive survivorship. But with the continued support from friends and family I am sure I will get through this. Because of all of you, you gave me strength, you picked me up when I was weak, you made me laugh, you let me cry, you let me be irritable, annoyed and frustrated, you made me live harder everyday and you let me be me. The next two years will be filled with follow up appointments, CT scans, blood tests, cardiology appointments. I will have happiness, laughter, love, fears, sadness, frustrations. I will have hair growth, blood running through my vessels without cancer, new and much more white blood cells, new and many more neutrophils, scars, and a spirit that is so alive. I have been through so much the past 6 months. Six months may not seem long but it feels like eternity for me. In 6 months, you may be getting married, graduating from school, going on a trip, starting a new job, or having a baby. Let each day of the next 6 months ground you, humble you. Be alive every day going forward. Because that‘s what I learned to do these past 6 months.
You are a special thing to me. The first time I met you scared me. You brought tears to my eyes and fear in my spirit. But then I got to know you on a deeper level. Past that superficial shit. I saw that you really do have a good heart and you mean well. I realized you were my sweet poison throughout this relationship. You took my cancer away. And I am forever grateful that I am cancer free today because of you. BUT, we had to make sure cancer didn’t come back so I had to see you more. I kept saying I can move on without you but I still needed you. You gave me all sorts of issues. You wore me out. You gave me fevers, chills, muscle aches, nausea, metallic taste and hiccups! You backed my shit up, if you get what I’m saying. I get to see you tomorrow. You get to put me on this wicked trip for a few days. But I will be ready for that last trip on November 16th. It will be the final time you get into my blood and circulate your sweet poison through every vessel. And on that day, I bid you goodbye. I really don’t want to see you anymore after that. I’m sorry but it must be that way. It’s you, not me.
All My Love,
Noreen
Ok. So I know it’s premature. But I can’t wait to be done!!!!! And at least I didn't do it over texting. I’m so over this. I came across an interesting article about cancer and real people relationships. Getting dumped after a diagnosis has got to be rough! Now I didn't get dumped but a certain fellow I was interested in disappeared after I told him about my diagnosis. I'm glad he did!
I am also nervous and anxious for the aftermath. Survivorship. Recovery. Also thoughts of mourning this journey. It's been so constant the past 6 months. I find myself thinking a lot about my father. Remembering the days, weeks, and months after his death. I was circling back to how I felt. And I know it's crazy, but it's sort of the same feelings. We all knew my father's time on this earth was short but I still didn't know the day he was going to leave us. And I know I have 2 more weeks of treatment but I do anticipate similar emotions. I try to stop my mind from wandering that way but I can't help it. Everyday, I have been dreaming about the last day of chemo. Again, I'm thinking way ahead. Even though it's two weeks ahead and I'm not focusing on one day at a time but I'm anxious. It’s another milestone in this journey. Another reminder that I need to put all these life lessons I’ve learned into play. I’ve been asked several times “Now that you have gone through this, what will you do different?” I don’t quite exactly have the answer to that. I have an idea of how I want to live my life, how I want to be good to my body, to stop being wishy washy about things and take that step into doing what I’m passionate about. I'm anxious to learning a new me, a new body that will recover and change everyday. I tried meditation for the first time. I’m not exactly into it just yet but I am willing to try a few more times. I will try things. I will open my mind more and more. As I was creeping on facebook I saw a friend post a picture of this saying. So I leave you with these words. A reminder. A reminder that I will probably read every week. (And I leave you with a song of course, my f-u cancer song.)
"This is your life. Do what you love, and do it often. If you don’t like something, change it. If you don’t like your job, quit. If you don’t have enough time, stop watching TV. If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love. Stop overanalyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful. When you eat, appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them so go out and start creating. Live your dream and share your passion. Life is short."
