Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Chemo,

You are a special thing to me. The first time I met you scared me.  You brought tears to my eyes and fear in my spirit. But then I got to know you on a deeper level. Past that superficial shit. I saw that you really do have a good heart and you mean well.  I realized you were my sweet poison throughout this relationship.  You took my cancer away. And I am forever grateful that I am cancer free today because of you. BUT, we had to make sure cancer didn’t come back so I had to see you more. I kept saying I can move on without you but I still needed you. You gave me all sorts of issues.  You wore me out. You gave me fevers, chills, muscle aches, nausea, metallic taste and hiccups!  You backed my shit up, if you get what I’m saying. I get to see you tomorrow.  You get to put me on this wicked trip for a few days. But I will be ready for that last trip on November 16th. It will be the final time you get into my blood and circulate your sweet poison through every vessel. And on that day, I bid you goodbye. I really don’t want to see you anymore after that.  I’m sorry but it must be that way.  It’s you, not me.

All My Love,

Noreen 

Ok. So I know it’s premature.  But I can’t wait to be done!!!!!  And at least I didn't do it over texting. I’m so over this.  I came across an interesting article about cancer and real people relationships.  Getting dumped after a diagnosis has got to be rough!  Now I didn't get dumped but a certain fellow I was interested in disappeared after I told him about my diagnosis.  I'm glad he did!

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/44709926/ns/today-today_health/t/cancer-kiss-off-getting-dumped-after-diagnosis/#.TqQvSpw7doY

 I am also nervous and anxious for the aftermath. Survivorship. Recovery. Also thoughts of mourning this journey.  It's been so constant the past 6 months.  I find myself thinking a lot about my father.  Remembering the days, weeks, and months after his death.  I was circling back to how I felt. And I know it's crazy, but it's sort of the same feelings.   We all knew my father's time on this earth was short but I still didn't know the day he was going to leave us.  And I know I have 2 more weeks of treatment but I do anticipate similar emotions.  I try to stop my mind from wandering that way but I can't help it.  Everyday, I have been dreaming about the last day of chemo.  Again, I'm thinking way ahead.  Even though it's two weeks ahead and I'm not focusing on one day at a time but I'm anxious.  It’s another milestone in this journey.  Another reminder that I need to put all these life lessons I’ve learned into play.  I’ve been asked several times “Now that you have gone through this, what will you do different?” I don’t quite exactly have the answer to that.  I have an idea of how I want to live my life, how I want to be good to my body, to stop being wishy washy about things and take that step into doing what I’m passionate about.  I'm anxious to learning a new me, a new body that will recover and change everyday. I tried meditation for the first time.  I’m not exactly into it just yet but I am willing to try a few more times.  I will try things.  I will open my mind more and more.  As I was creeping on facebook I saw a friend post a picture of this saying.  So I leave you with these words.  A reminder.  A reminder that I will probably read every week.  (And I leave you with a song of course, my f-u cancer song.)

"This is your life. Do what you love, and do it often.  If you don’t like something, change it. If you don’t like your job, quit. If you don’t have enough time, stop watching TV.  If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love.  Stop overanalyzing,  life is simple.  All emotions are beautiful.  When you eat, appreciate every last bite.  Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.  Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them.  Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.  Live your dream and share your passion.  Life is short."