6 months

It’s been a long and grueling 6 months.  Just in case you didn’t know, my scheduled final round of chemo was postponed because of a fever I had a few weeks back which delayed round 11 therefore delaying my final treatment.  I was pretty devastated when I was told chemo would be postponed.  I have had November 16 stamped in my brain.  I was crushed.  I didn’t want to have treatment the week of Thanksgiving.  I was looking forward to feeling good and savoring every single bite at Thanksgiving dinner.  But now I am scheduled for chemo November 21^st.  Three days before Turkey day.  Yes, I am thankful that I will be done.  I just hope that my taste buds aren’t too whacked out for dinner.

I have found this part of the journey to be rather difficult.  This part meaning the preparation for the final round.  Mentally.    I anticipate the world of survivorship.  Yes I am surviving every day but there is a whole new meaning to this stage of survivorship. Chemo will no longer be in my routine.  And my body, my mind and my spirit will be mending.  I am aware of what survivorship means to me but I don’t know what it will bring me.  Ever since I heard the words ”You have cancer”, I had to let go of “what if’s” and “what’s next”  because I had to learn quickly to  take each day at time and focus on surviving each day.  And not waste energy on trying to rationalize everything and why things were happening or not happening for that matter.  I want you to know that I am nervous for what lies ahead, no doubt.  Maybe even scared.  But I know now that I extremely aware of my feelings, my emotions, my fears, the things that bring me joy and happiness more now than ever.   I am aware that I will cry for no reason any given time.  I am aware that I will smile while thinking of something or someone that made me happy.  There is no guide on how to survive survivorship.  But with the continued support from friends and family I am sure I will get through this.  Because of all of you, you gave me strength, you picked me up when I was weak, you made me laugh, you let me cry, you let me be irritable, annoyed and frustrated, you made me live harder everyday and you let me be me.  The next two years will be filled with follow up appointments, CT scans, blood tests, cardiology appointments.  I will have happiness, laughter, love, fears, sadness, frustrations. I will have hair growth, blood running through my vessels without cancer, new and much more white blood cells, new and many more neutrophils, scars, and a spirit that is so alive.  I have been through so much the past 6 months.  Six months may not seem long but it feels like eternity for me.  In 6 months, you may be getting married, graduating from school, going on a trip, starting a new job, or having a baby.  Let each day of the next 6 months ground you, humble you.  Be alive every day going forward. Because that‘s what I learned to do these past 6 months.