I have had a lot of time to think this past week. And a lot of time to say F@!# YOU CANCER. I was at the movie theater watching Transformers (I love Shia) and my chest pain was acting up. I am told that the cancer pains I am experiencing are my nerves talking and the chemo working and destroying all those nasty cancer cells. Or the cancer cells exploding in my chest, as Jenna, my angel, would describe it. But the pain really sucks. I can't even sit comfortably without having stabbing pain here and there. I am sitting there saying to myself, "Really? Damn you cancer! I can't believe I have cancer and that I am going through this." I go back the feeling of shock and denial. I don't believe I have cancer.
The day before Transformers, I meet up with Jenna to help out with promoting her Twist Out Cancer event. We call ourselves the Lymphoma Soul Sisters. We are working on a dance video to premier for the Aug 11 event. And as we are recording and replaying the video, for the first time, I actually see and hear myself saying I have Hodgkins Lymphoma. I didn't know how I felt about it. It was weird. I stored that thought away because I was having a good time with Jenna. But I certainly thought about it all weekend.
At the beginning of this week, I was driving with my friend Ali to meet a mutual friend who just finished her battle with Hodgkins. Seriously, there are way too many of us out there! Anyway, during our drive, I bring up the video thing to Ali. Having a hard time putting a word to the feeling I was experiencing, Ali sums it up perfectly for me. She said it was the first time I was labeling myself as a cancer patient. She reminded me that I didn't like it when the oncofertility specialist kept referring/labeling me as a cancer patient (and not my name), and I was pretty upset and mad about that. The hard part about that time was that I was just learning that I had cancer. Let alone I had someone "labeling" me as a cancer patient when I didn't even have a second to process it. Now that I am about 2 months into this fight, I for the first time, heard those words come out of my mouth. Yea, I tell people I have cancer. But I was seeing myself saying it, feeling it, and living with it. Accepting it perhaps. I don't know. It's just funny because the other day when I was watching Transformers, I was not having any of it. None of this cancer nonsense. But the next day I was connecting with it. This just shows the ups and downs I deal with everyday. Everyday there is something new or something old that surfaces. Or some new discomfort or pain or the same run down feeling. But then I tell myself to remain strong and positive. Use my brain and its' immense healing powers. Mind over matter. So everyday I check myself before I wreck myself. Word!
Little Ice Cube for you...
The day before Transformers, I meet up with Jenna to help out with promoting her Twist Out Cancer event. We call ourselves the Lymphoma Soul Sisters. We are working on a dance video to premier for the Aug 11 event. And as we are recording and replaying the video, for the first time, I actually see and hear myself saying I have Hodgkins Lymphoma. I didn't know how I felt about it. It was weird. I stored that thought away because I was having a good time with Jenna. But I certainly thought about it all weekend.
At the beginning of this week, I was driving with my friend Ali to meet a mutual friend who just finished her battle with Hodgkins. Seriously, there are way too many of us out there! Anyway, during our drive, I bring up the video thing to Ali. Having a hard time putting a word to the feeling I was experiencing, Ali sums it up perfectly for me. She said it was the first time I was labeling myself as a cancer patient. She reminded me that I didn't like it when the oncofertility specialist kept referring/labeling me as a cancer patient (and not my name), and I was pretty upset and mad about that. The hard part about that time was that I was just learning that I had cancer. Let alone I had someone "labeling" me as a cancer patient when I didn't even have a second to process it. Now that I am about 2 months into this fight, I for the first time, heard those words come out of my mouth. Yea, I tell people I have cancer. But I was seeing myself saying it, feeling it, and living with it. Accepting it perhaps. I don't know. It's just funny because the other day when I was watching Transformers, I was not having any of it. None of this cancer nonsense. But the next day I was connecting with it. This just shows the ups and downs I deal with everyday. Everyday there is something new or something old that surfaces. Or some new discomfort or pain or the same run down feeling. But then I tell myself to remain strong and positive. Use my brain and its' immense healing powers. Mind over matter. So everyday I check myself before I wreck myself. Word!
Little Ice Cube for you...
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