I'm too young for this....

June 22 2011
Round 2 of chemo.  I am with my sister Helen and my bestie Rachel.  I feel more comfortable this time around.  I know what to expect.  I am ready to get better.  Diane, the nail polish nurse, didn't bring up my nail polish again, however she commented on my Toms and said those were some funky shoes.  I love my Toms!  My counts are low which is expected.  My WBC dropped to 1.2  and my Neutrophils to 0.2.  Normal range for theses are around 3.5- 10.5 and similar range for Neutrophils.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to get connected with another cancer patient.  I call her my angel.  Northwestern sets us up and we immediately connect.  We learn we have mutual friends.  She has Grey Zone Hodgkins.  She had her last chemo round in May and is cancer free.  She invites me to this event where cancer survivors speak out on June 23.  I go with Amy.  This is the day after chemo and I am feeling pretty good.  I have a moment after they play a video of 20 and 30 year olds, cancer patients and cancer survivors.  I cry. At this moment, I feel that I am closer to the reality of having cancer. I had cut my hair earlier that week and felt defeated in a way.  Again, a step closer to the reality of all of this.  It's all still new to me. I am sick. I have cancer. I am a cancer patient. It's weird saying because I often don't believe it. Then I say,  I am so young. Why me? It's crazy that I am entering this new world of cancer. You become this VIP of life. There are so many people that have been touched with cancer. It's awful.  This disease sucks! But we move on with our lives.  I will soon say, I am a cancer survivor. And go about appreciating life even more.  I look forward to that day but have been reminded to think in the moment.  Focus on each day as it comes.  I can't afford to waste energy on "what ifs", "how come", and "what will happen next."

The weekend after chemo, my symptoms kick in.  Still no vomiting but extremely sore mouth and fatigue.  It hurts to eat and drink.  I am broken mentally because I hate how I feel.  I speak to my angel, Jenna.  She reminds again that it's ok to feel down. That this is a roller coaster. And that again, I should focus on each day and look for the life lessons that come along with it. I am so grateful that she is my angel.