i'm cancer free, but now what...

I'm in remission.  But I don't quite believe it.  Maybe because I have 7 more rounds of chemo.  Why do I have to continue with treatment you ask? Well, Dr. Gordon is following the standard treatment plan.  They have stopped people after 8 rounds of chemo but they don't have enough data to support the good outcomes. I wish I could stop now.  I hate feeling so worn out after chemo but I love the bounce back of energy the week after.  I hate the nausea, the sore throat, and the metallic taste but I love it when I can eat yummy foods when that's all gone. So a total of 12 rounds it is. Then a repeat scan 8 weeks after the final round of chemo, then every 6 months thereafter for the next 2 years. It's not over.  Everyone is happy and excited for me and I have yet to figure out my reaction.  I'm happy, no doubt.  Should I be falling to ground crying tears of joy, should I be doing cartwheels?  I haven't figure it out.  We will see what the next few weeks bring.

Chemo wasn't bad for Round 5.  My sister Hilda, my cousin Rosie and my coworker and dear friend Cooper joined me for round 5. My counts are extremely low (as low as they were when I had a fever, meaning my white blood cells and Neutrophils (all the good fighting cells) are nearly at 1 and 0 respectively.  I have been extremely fatigue this past week and my nurse  said it's because my counts are so low and chemo can have that effect and worsen as we go on.

I still have my hair.  It's thinning but not too noticeable.  I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes. And my arm hairs, other than that all my other body hair is gone or slowly growing back.  I even lost my nose hairs!  I wonder if Iwill lose the rest of my hair as chemo continues. It's going to be weird to say I don't have cancer but I look like a cancer patient (that is if I lose my hair).  Ok, I'll stop looking ahead.  This brings me back to the first day I was diagnosed.  Each day was like I was moving in slow motion. I was fast forwarding to December and not taking each day as it came.  I assumed I was going to be bald and bought scarfs and wigs.  I buzzed my freaking head.  I wanted to take control and not have the cancer control me.  But now 3 months later, time has passed by, I still have a head of hair and I am one step closer to being done, I am cancer free, and I appreciate things so much more.  It's amazing how your life can dramatically change within 3 months.  Do we need something tragic to happen us to realize all the fruits of life?  Do we live in a world were it's work, work, work and no time to slow down and smell the roses? I think I did, and I don't want to go back to that.  I need to slow down, and do the things I enjoy, and do something I'm passionate about.  I will do these things.  Because I am not one to settle, or sulk, or feel sorry for myself.  Not once did I feel guilty or sorry or ashamed that I have, I mean had, cancer.  Don't get me wrong, it sucks but there is so much to be learned from this. And I chose to blog to help me cope and learn.  I am learning so much about myself. And yet it's strange that I chose to share my journey so openly. I would consider myself somewhat private.  I'm selective about what I share on Facebook in general.  But yet I chose to share my story.  I wanted to show people what I was going through so they wouldn't be scared or worry for me.  I wanted to keep friends and family updated as it was the easiest form of communication.   I wanted to share videos of music, because music has been so therapeutic for me.  I want someone, who may be diagnosed with Hodgkins today, to come across my blog and connect and learn from it.  I want to pay it forward. 

I want to make another reference to my "t h r e e " blog that 2 special people pointed out.  I am 3 decades (1 y) old.  In 2 years, after complete remission, I will be consired Cured! In 2 years I will be 33.  Three, you are my new favorite number. My friend reminded me of the jam "three is the magic number" by School House Rock.  Did you know I learned the Preamble and can still recite it today because of School House Rock?

Anyway, I also failed to mention a few thoughts I had in the "t h r e e" post.  As I was driving to my PET scan, "Another One Bites the Dust" came on the radio. I smiled! I thought to myself, today, another Hodgy is going to bite the dust.  And I when I was getting my pet scan, Jenna, my angel told me to imagine that I was in a cocoon being wrapped around with the love of my family and friends. I did imagine that, took a deep breath and smiled.  I closed my eyes and hummed "Another One Bites the Dust"!

Thank you all for your love and support.  I couldn't have done this without you.  Please continue all the positive chi as I finish my journey.  I love you all!

My note to you cancer, "Cancer, you stood no chance!  You can't have me and you can't handle me!"

My remission High Five

Queen- Another One Bites the Dust

School House Rock-3 is a magic number