Just Another Manic August

It’s been an interesting week. And I have had a rough time.  Trying to grasp on to something that makes sense to me.  For the first time, I have felt that I needed a break from the cancer world.  I needed to forget that I am currently battling and that I am part of this new world as a cancer survivor.  I wanted nothing to do with cancer.

I started my journey devastated and crushed.  I had no idea what to expect the next 6 months.  May was full of shocking news.  Learning I had cancer.  Learning I had/have a slightly weak heart (physically). I was numb.

June was full of uncertainties.  I didn’t know how I would respond to each treatment.  I didn’t know I would feel like I had World War III going on in my chest.  I didn’t know if I was going to lose my hair so I took control and shaved it off.  I didn’t know how to feel yet. I was just going through the motions.

July was a routine.  I slowly figured out my symptoms.  I was working regularly.  Yes.  I took at most 2-3 days off of work every 2 weeks.  I was full of energy and fight.  I twisted out cancer all over Chicago with Jenna. 

August. Well, I’m not sure about you August.  You are slightly messing with me.  I learned I am cancer free.  Amazing news of course.  I met NED, (No Evidence of Disease), as a dear friend of mine would say.  People were more excited to hear about my remission than I think I was saying it.  Because I knew this wasn’t over.  I have 3 more months to fight.  I have 3 more months to shift my focus.  But I am not sure how to do that knowing that the cancer is out of my body.  I have no association to make with the chemo because there is nothing left to kill.  Besides my healthy cells.  I found that I was extremely fatigue this last round of chemo.  It extended longer than the usual.  Why?  I should have my energy back because all the cancer is gone. Well, not exactly.  Chemo obviously runs people down.  It is catching up with me.  It’s adding up and dragging me.  And I hate it!  Of course I start researching and reading about how long the fatigue may last for.  I read it can last for several years.  I don’t want that.  But I won’t know what to expect.  I find myself wanting to be mute.  Wanting to be in silence.  I am trying to figure this all out.  I end up going in for fluids for rehydration and ended up having a very good talk with the social worker.  I find that I am crying basically the entire meeting with her.  She told me everything that I am feeling is completely normal.  She really puts things in perspective for me.  She explains that when she found out that she was in remission (she had the same cancer as me 10 years ago), she was very angry and had to take a break from the cancer world for 3 years.  She asked me to try to define why I was frustrated and angry.  What caused those emotions? We talked it out a lot and she helped me vocalize my thoughts and emotions.  It was so needed.  I expressed that I should be relieved and jumping for joy that I am in remission but that fact that I am not makes me feel like a brat.  So many others are currently fighting cancer for years and have yet to meet NED and yet I am lost. This state of in-between is, so far, the hardest thing for me in this journey.  I thought all the preliminary tests were hard.  Not exactly. 

The past week I spent time with some great people.  My sister Hilda was in town for 2 weeks.  She pretty much made me breakfast everyday and offered up lunch and dinner.  But I was moody and never knew what I wanted.  Thanks for being patient with me.  I know I’m not the easiest to deal with.  You are so sweet and caring.  Thank you and I love you, you nerd! ;)

I spent some good times with my cousin Rose.  Ever since I was little, Rose was always the world to me.  She was my superstar.  I still feel that way about her!  She’s the best!  Love you Rose.

I stopped by UIC to have lunch with my former boss who is a survivor as well!  He always puts a smile on my face and makes me laugh. 

I saw a few of my old soccer guys.  I started crying when I saw them.  It was the weirdest thing.  They were good tears.  I was reminded of how much I connected with one of the guys.  He and I had connected immediately.  When he came in as a freshman, he had knee surgery so we automatically bonded during his rehabilitation.  He had experienced some hardships from the loss of his brother, to relationship situations, to just life.  I listened to him and was there for him.  And this time, when I needed care, he was there.  He would always check in with me.  He was there for me. You are a special kid to me and right now I am saying “thank you” in our Mali language noise (click, click, click)!

I had dinner with my NovaCare girls.  Amazing ladies that I work with.  And might I say we have some attractive physical therapists!

I went to Jenna's event the day after my last treatment.  The room was so full of love and energy. She is truly an inspiration.  She freaking beat Grey Zone Lymphoma.  It's a rare cancer.  There is really no standard protocol for treatment.  But Dr. Gordon saved her life. And Northwestern linked us together.  She truly amazes me.

Through all these encounters, I was not sure of my emotions and tried to talk it out with some of my friends and family.  But truly had a hard time.  I am growing and learning though.  I am processing.  And that’s all I can do for now. 

This Wednesday marks my halfway point.  I will have had 6 of the 12 chemo treatments.  And I can’t believe it.  Everything has just happened so fast.  But I still can smell the roses.

Here is Jenna's story and some video of us twisting out cancer all over chicago!  My sister, Hilda, made this video.  She did an amazing job with the animation.  My cousin, Bliz Beats, created the beat playing in the background, "Shake It Off".  My family is so gifted!