Normal.

It's been 8 days since my last round of chemo. I am well, but tired.  I was lucky to enjoy Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving has a whole new meaning.  It really is Thanksgiving to me everyday.  My bro-in-law opened up a bottle of bubbly at TG dinner and my sister gave a toast.  Of course I got teary eyed.  It's all still so surreal to me.  That I had cancer.  That I went through 6 months of chemo.  I have been "normal" the past 6 months.  Working, living, having fun.  But I have been in a fog the past month.  Every second was being counted down to that final day of chemo.  That was all that occupied my mind.  A lot people have asked "ok, so now you are normal right". Well it's doesn't happen. Just. Like. That. Some would say I was never normal (Minos!). But  it will take 4-6 weeks for my counts (neutrophils, white blood cells) to bounce back from 0.1 to  8.0 to 11.0 range.  I have become anemic because of chemo.  My hair should be slowly growing back.  I was lucky not to lose all of the hair on my head.  It just turned into baby hair.  I am actually looking forward to all the fun hairstyles I will rock. And all the tiny victories that lie ahead (thanks Ali).  Cancer is not a marathon.  It's an ultramarathon. I have many milestones ahead of me.

Before chemo, I made a mixed CD for my medical team at Northwestern.  And I titled it Chemolicious.  It was a soundtrack of my Chemo and Cancer journey.  I love music.  It really just makes my day complete.  And I love dancing.  Dancing in my car, the shower, in my bedroom, at the bars, in my head.  Everywhere.  And of course I danced at my last chemo.  I captured video of the last Adrimyacin, the last Bleomyacin, Vinblastine and Dacarbazine.  And I captured the moment the IV machine beeped and when I was officially done.  I had so much adrenaline running through me.  I was so excited.  So happy. I didn't shed any tears.  After I was done I walked out to the lobby and  I had so much excitement built up in my spirit.  But when I went into the lobby, and saw everyone, I felt like I was seeing people with a different set of eyes. I saw all these “sick” people.  They seemed to look “sicker” than before.  Was it because I have walked out with my blinders on all the time and was just going through the routine? I'm not sure but all I know is that I felt sad.  I felt upset to see so many people in the waiting room, waiting for results, infusion, fluids, etc. I was reminded how much I hate cancer and what it does to people and their families.  I felt it was unfair to celebrate.  My voice and spirit stayed silent.  The adrenaline wore off as the side effects kicked in.  But I felt so different.  Because I knew I was done with chemo.  I think things will start sinking in next week.  When I don't have to go in for chemo.  Maybe I will be more emotional next week.  Who knows.  I see Dr. Gordon on December 21. The next 2 years will be appointments with him, blood work and CT scans.  I hope each visit will bring positive news.  I know it will.


Here is my mixed CD.

And here is my final video...